True freaking story!
You Might Also Like
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
okay run it by me one more time
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.