I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
<—- homeless romantic
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone