It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You Might Also Like
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.