You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?