I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I am, perchance
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting