I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
You Might Also Like
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
🤯🤯🤯
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date