i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I want to meet the individual who made this
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.