My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?