We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
You Might Also Like
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?