First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Tony Hawk, age 6
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.