I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
guys I’m going home
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn