So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
cats when you pet them too long:
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Mhm.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.