shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
✌🏽
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?