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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms