just pretend nothing happened
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1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.