Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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Everyone’s family
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there