I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
the dark web is just a goth google.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going