Inside you there are two wolves
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
it’s the silliest best thing
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
These 3D printers are insane!
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.