My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?