I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?