ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
why isn’t he texting back
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”