Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Alexa; make it look like an accident