*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
motivation
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*