If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!