If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
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[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.