50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?