Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
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🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
The Onion called it…again.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit