“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
This is me 🤣🤣
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,