Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
He took my last fry, your honor
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely