this is how life feels
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Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.