I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work