A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
doing your own taxes
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself