New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second