A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
my first day as a raccoon
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I have never related to anyone more.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget