I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
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[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
ouch
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
She: I like Cats
He:
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw