I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
🤣🤣💀
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂