If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
He’s cranky this morning
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.