[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
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No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
December birthdays be like…
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Most fashion shows these days…
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.