All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
WTF
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…