Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball