When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Genius idea!!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.