they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Everyone’s family
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.