Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
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Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
What personal space?
My dog
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Coffee is ready.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.