but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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The news is so predictable nowadays
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.