BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
HELP 😭
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious