Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Not all heroes wear capes…
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I love the honesty
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum