Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
😂🤣😂🤣
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right