*pokes sex life with a stick
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Lmao
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY