Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.