me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.